Lazarene Gazette Issue IV January 2016

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Lazarene Gazette Issue IV January 2016

Post by Rivercastle on Sat Feb 06, 2016 1:27 pm

After quite a long absence, I've come running back to WZAS bearing the latest copy of the Lazarene Gazette

/totally not stealing Funk's job XD





The Official Newspaper of Lazarus

Issue IV • January 2016 • 1 Page • Inter-Regional Edition


EDITORIAL: Editor's Note
By Lake Flotillas
This issue was probably the last thing you would expect to see when you opened your browser. Yes, we've been an inactive bunch much of the time. In fact, we were about to vote on whether to rename this newspaper "The NR Gazette", after our previous main editor, New Rogernomics, who was for most of the time the only one contributing to the paper.

But he won't have to do it alone anymore. We've finally sat down and decided to release an issue, and you can expect more to come your way in the months ahead. No longer will you have to wait months for an issue to come out. No longer will you be wondering why our last issue was released in October. No longer will you ever forget that we still have a Gazette. The Lazarene Gazette is back in business!


NEWS: New Government Elected!
By Lake Flotillas


Loftegen getting an assistant to demonstrate how to sit on the Comfy Chair™ at his rally
Lazarus headed to the polls on the 22nd through 29th of December, choosing the people who would form the third government of the Humane Republic. This election saw more candidates running for the positions of Sovereign(Delegate), Grandee Secretary(Vice-Delegate) and Director of Ceremonies(Speaker of the Grand Assembly), with the following candidates:

  • Sovereign: Loftegen(who also ran in the previous elections), Cormac, Starberry, Doperland(newcomer)
  • Grandee Secretary: The Church of Satan, Caldariat(newcomer)
  • Director of Ceremonies: Constie, Lake Flotillas

This election season saw a wide variety of campaigns from the candidates for the position of Sovereign, from the promise of activity from Starberry to the threat of oppression from Loftegen and Doperland, the candidates fought to gain the support of the voters. Loftegen's Comfy Chair™, in particular, proved to be a great hit among Lazarenes.

Ultimately, Loftegen, The Church of Satan, and Lake Flotillas were elected to the position of Sovereign, Grandee Secretary, and Director of Ceremonies respectively. The breakdown of votes are as follows:

Votes:

Sovereign
Loftegen: 13
Doperland: 1
Starberry: 4
Cormac: 3
Abstain/Invalid: 2

Grandee Secretary
The Church of Satan: 15
Caldariat: 6
Abstain/Invalid: 2

Director of Ceremonies
Constie: 2
Lake Flotillas: 14
Abstain/Invalid: 7

Congratulations to the winners of the election, and thanks to all those who ran!


FEATURE: Loftegen's Inauguration Speech
By Loftegen


The first speech by our new Sovereign
I'd like to thank the people of Lazarus for entrusting the Sovereignty to me.
I'd like to thank New Rogernomics for a smooth transition.
I'd especially like to thank Harmoneia for serving as Interim Sovereign yet again.
I'd like to thank Funkadelia for persuading me to return to Lazarus after Kazmr took the delegacy from Stujenske.

I won't promise a glorious future for Lazarus. I won't promise that I'll do a good job. It may yet come to pass that my term is a complete disaster, and that I end up the worst delegate in the history of the region. Time will tell.
Fortunately for me, Stujenske set a pretty low bar, so i think we'll be all right.

That's it, thank you.


FEATURE: The Comfy Chair™
By Lake Flotillas


One of the models rumoured to be the Comfy Chair™. Secret lever and vertical shaft leading to incinerator not shown.
The December elections had been an interesting period, with many interesting ideas brought up by the various candidates. Nevertheless, one of these ideas took Lazarus by storm, spawning a new meme within the halls of the otherwise silent Grand Assembly. This Chair™ has captured the imagination of countless Lazarenes, who now threaten one another with the Chair™.

So, what is the Chair™? The Gazette went around asking and got the following responses:

  • It has a secret lever that when pushed, drops one down the secret vertical shaft into the incinerator. Handy for disposing political enemies and dissidents!
  • It can blast an infinite loop of Kanye West's music. Sounds horrible.
  • Has Cushions, though this is suspected to be a reference to something more sinister. Or maybe it's just cushions.
  • Isn't an electric chair, though the alternatives aren't much better either.
  • It can be eaten - as proved by New Rogernomics. Unfortunately, Loftegen owns a warehouse full of these chairs, so it would take a long while to eliminate all Chairs.

These responses do seem to confirm that Loftegen's Chair™ is indeed used for torture, as he promised. Now we just had to look around further and determine how the chair looks like. Could it be red? Green? Or just black? Even after travelling around Lazarus to seek answers, we still didn't receive any hints regarding its appearance.

Desperate, we decided to do some sleuthing on our own, and came up with this gem:
Following new legislation in Loftegen, Black ram is one of the most popular forenames in Loftegen.
It would fit in with our suspicions, given that black is indeed the colour associated with oppression. Another reason to believe that oppression is real.

When then did he get so many chairs? An informant turned up with the following transcript:

Loftegen: "Less than you'd think, since I get them wholesale; also, since I saved all my receipts, I'll write them off on my taxes as an unreimbursed business expense!"
Unknown person: "So... you steal them?"
Loftegen: "No, I'm not a socialist."
Finally, the most important question to ask: Is it even effective? After all, what is oppression if no one fears it? One would have guessed that it was terribly effective, with the infamy it has attained over the December elections. However, Lazarenes say otherwise. Having believed that the Chair was as terrifying as he claimed, Loftegen decided to put up a poll to determine how successful he had been. Lazarenes gave this response:

Augh! Too much! Please stop! - 2(3.39%)
It's not unendurable yet. - 2(3.39%)
Just the right amount of pain and misery. - 1(1.69%)
I've had worse. - 7(11.86%)
We've been oppressed? I hadn't noticed. - 40(67.80%)
Clearly, the will of the people triumphs all forms of oppression the Autocrat can throw at us! We've turned his greatest weapon - the Comfy Chair™ - into a mockery, a meme that spreads among the Lazarenes. The Chair™ will no longer terrify us! Or maybe it's just a really comfy chair.


NEWS: Surge in Activity in Lazarus
By Lake Flotillas


Getting a new regional map wasn't as easy as we hoped...
Even though our activity levels were no longer as high as the first few months of the Humane Republic, we've still experienced a surge in activity this month, as evidenced by the increasing number of members joining our forums. Quite a number of tasks accomplished recently were those that were left behind by the previous administrations. In short, this is what we have done:

  • Confirmed Funkadelia and Constie as Justices, with 11-1 in favour of Funkadelia, 2 abstaining, and 7-4 in favour of Constie, 3 abstaining. Considering that the "Gang of Five" trial - over the principle members of the New Lazarene Order - had stalled for quite a while, the introduction of two new Justices should hopefully bring this trial to a speedy conclusion, one that has dragged on far too long.

  • Caldariat and Constie became the new Deputies to the Director.

  • Set up more in-game dispatches. All laws, treaties, and Mandate 9 are now available in-game for Lazarenes to view. Also, a notice board(Citizen's Square) dispatch has also been created, for Lazarenes to put up notices. The latter should help Lazarenes better know how they can take part in the region.

  • Created a regional map. Our previous cartographer, St. Oz, had left the region in August and no longer updates the map. With the new map, we hope to get more Lazarenes interested in RPing.

  • Drafted an updated version of the Unified Legal Code(ULC), with the Criminal and Civil Codes now added. Previously, the ULC only contained the Judicial Code, meaning that we still had to rely on the PRL Penal Code.

  • The LLA has logged 16 missions this month, with our Commandant, Izon, participating in most of them. Well done Izon!



RUMOURS AROUND LAZARUS

This is a new section that we've added to the Gazette. NOTE: All these are satire.

Prominent Dissident Missing; Sovereign Alleged to be Involved
By Lake Flotillas

Communist Stephen Colbert, a prominent dissident in Lazarus, has not been seen for a few days. He was well-known (or notorious, depending on how you look at it) for sitting at the Emerald Square for hours on end, with a bust of Milograd in one hand - which he claims was from the statue of Milograd that used to be in the Square - and a small fish tank with two fishes in the other. One could always find him sitting where Milograd's statue used to stand, extolling the deeds of 'Glorious Chairman Milograd' and urging Lazarenes to return to the People's Republic. But it was not the case recently.

Rumour has it that when he visited Loftegen some time ago to praise him for exercising the "Will of the Glorious Chairman Milograd", Loftegen smashed the bust on the floor. He then responded by branding Loftegen as a crony of the NPO, a move that was said to have sealed his fate, as Loftegen sent him to the Comfy Chair immediately. Whether he leaves the Comfy Chair remains to be seen.

LLA Rations Missing; Commandant Involved
By Lake Flotillas

A routine check on the LLA's rations in the Army Warehouse yielded a surprise: Someone has been stealing food from the Warehouse. All eyes turned to Kazmr, Deadeye Jack, and Izon; the only 3 people who had access to the Warehouse as Commandants of the LLA. Kazmr was quickly ruled out, after it was revealed that he hadn't been anywhere near LLA infrastructure for quite a while.

Further investigations then revealed Izon to be responsible for the disappearance of the rations. Yes, the fastest rising star of the LLA, who currently tops the LLA leaderboard with the most number of missions, was behind this disappearance. Rumour has it that he confiscated the rations in response to the Army Guards' failure to nominate Izon for the Gameplay R/D Awards 2015, to which Izon became extremely upset and decided to punish the LLA. It is believed that the now-daily 100km-runs at 3am ordered by Izon was one of these punishments. Whether Izon will inflict more punishments on the Guards remain to be seen.

DoC Locks Himself out of Office; Spotted Sulking at Emerald Square
By Lake Flotillas

The Director of Ceremonies, Lake Flotillas, had been extremely active ever since he assumed office. However, just as he was heading to the Gazette's newsroom to review the numerous drafts a few days ago, he did something incredibly dumb: Locking himself out of his office by leaving his keycard in his office. As the door was set to automatically lock when it is closed, it meant that he could not get back in. Frustrated, he decided to head to the Ministry of Forum Affairs building to request a copy of the keycard. However, to his disappointment (and the citizens' glee), the building happened to be closed for the day.

He was then seen pacing around Emerald Square sulking. Rumour has it that he left his security vault in the room unlocked, and was afraid that someone who was better than him at breaking into the room (almost everybody else) would lay their hands on the secrets in the vault. A shifty character by the name of Rivercastle was believed to have done exactly that.

It was said that when the door was finally unlocked the next day, he requested the door be removed at once. However, the workers misinterpreted his request and instead jammed the door handle inside the office. Whether Lake Flotillas manages to get out of the office remains to be seen.

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Re: Lazarene Gazette Issue IV January 2016

Post by Chancellor Campbell II on Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:43 pm

Much appreciated.
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